i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
