there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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