my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
