Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
