My Higher Power is John Stamos
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
