I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
