Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got inside last night via doggy door
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
