a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize