I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
