I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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