i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He passed out mid-signature
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
