I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize