he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
