i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
