hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Found your dick twin last night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
