I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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