Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
