just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize