i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
