I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who wears a wallet chain?!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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