Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
