Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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