i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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