Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
