When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
