Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
