yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
