I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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