hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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