his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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