Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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