My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
