New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
