Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
