can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
