This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
