phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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