if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
