p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
