When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
