your parents love me but you hate me
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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