you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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