Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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