I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
