history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
