No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
