I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
