Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
