I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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