I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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