I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
