you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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