at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
