Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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