Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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