I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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