1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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