DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
