the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
