mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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