I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
