We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
