i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
