Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
