When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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