i don't like sucking hair
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
