Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize