i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
