drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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