so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
