Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize