fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize