everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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